March 13, 2021

From Annareli-

When the pandemic started, I was 6 months into my postdoctoral fellowship in Boulder, CO. I was at my dream job, making great friends and colleagues, and I could see my future as an independent research scientist sprouting. Then it all came to a stop. The next three years were a time of intense self-doubt, self-reflection, anxiety, and isolation. I realized I could not work from home. I tried so hard, and could make just enough progress, but I always felt behind and like a failure. I missed talking to my colleagues and friends. I felt so lonely and alone in my struggle. I knew I had it relatively good compared to others. I did A LOT of comparing myself with others. I struggled and struggled, tried and tried, cried and cried, and generally felt like absolute sh*t. I was trying to keep my relationships afloat with my friends, family, and partner. I was trying to keep my career from falling apart. I had worked so hard before the pandemic to earn my doctorate degree, and only to fail? I kept pushing myself, even though I was completely burnt out. The image for my block was inspired from reading an NPR article called, Helping Hands Need a Break Too: How to Lend Support Without Burning Out. The image created by Hanna Barczyk for the article mirrored back to me exactly how I felt. Everything was falling apart around me and although I tried to hold it together, the deluge continued. I was losing strength and feeling trapped around the situation I was in. My block includes the words Ya No Puedo, which means I can't anymore in Spanish. I struggled and screamed for help, only to hear other screams for help in return. 

In Summer of 2021, our libraries began to open and start hosting events. I was an active volunteer at my public library and was eager to get back to being around my community. I helped put together craft kits for a cross-stitch activity called "Stitch the Situation." I joined the activity and it felt wonderful to stitch along with other people, see people creatively express their feelings and experiences, and become part of a bigger project to commemorate the pandemic. I received my block in July 2021 and worked through it steadily until I completed it in May 2023. My block came with me to the library where I worked on my postdoctoral research. It was with me when I somehow got a job as a research scientist. It traveled with my partner and I to visit my family in Mexico. It came along to my future sister-in-law's wedding where I bonded with my partner's family. It was at my new Tía Claire's funeral. It came to Kansas to spend Thanksgiving with my partner's parents. It was with me when I started my new job. It was with me while I was in therapy, and we finally learned my ADHD diagnosis. It was there while I experimented with medications and learned more about my brain. It was there as I applied for and interviewed for new jobs. It was there when I received a call saying I got the job! It was with me while I struggled with the decision to leave the job I felt I should have and a job that was completely different from anything before. It traveled with us during the move to our new apartment. It was waiting for me in the evenings when I returned from my new job. It was there as I started to build my confidence back and realize I absolutely loved my job. It was there as I started taking care of my health and nutrition, after neglecting myself for so long. As I sent the completed block away in the mail, I too felt complete. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to stitch my situation and make it through this pandemic a happier and healthier version of me. I believe I can do this, whatever it may be.